Always Wear Clean Skivvies And Other Advice

I’m back and I am 100% certain you noticed I was gone and missed me a great deal.

I was just thinking about the phrase, “Always wear clean underwear in case you get into an accident.”

If you didn’t know that it’s a phrase, well, it is. Bing it.

I found myself in the ER this week (I’m fine, I’m fine. Don’t lose sleep.) and — okay, when I was going through my incident, I couldn’t have cared less about how I looked. You could have dipped me in glue, tossed birdseed on me, and tossed me outside for birds to feast upon and I would’ve been fine. I just wanted to sleep. But when my mind was clear, I began to think more about that phrase and how it could be improved.

First of all, I wish the phrase would be more specific about what sort of knickers a person should wear. Continue reading “Always Wear Clean Skivvies And Other Advice”

Quarrel with the Squirrels

This is a very sensitive topic for me, but I realize that I sort of left you hanging yesterday. I mentioned that I sometimes find my dog sleeping under the blanket and think that he’s a squirrel that’s hiding, waiting for his moment to attack me.

I’m going to assume you are nodding with understanding and sympathy, because this is very reasonable for me to think. Let me tell you why. If you have something that you hold in your time of need — a blanket, stuffed animal, bottle of whiskey — I recommend that you grab it right now.

Squirrels have been bullying me for about four years, now. One tried to take my lunch between classes during grad school. It actually sat on a table, tugged at my backpack, pulled the lid on my bottle of water, and threatened my life — well, I assume from the looks in its eyes that it was threatening me. I finally threw my peanut butter sandwich on the ground and grabbed my belongings while it was distracted. I moved half a block away, sat down, and when I looked up… it was right there, asking for more.

Actual Photo of the Bully

Squirrels: 1
Megs: 0 Continue reading “Quarrel with the Squirrels”

Fast Facts Friday

I’ve considered calling this “Fun Facts Friday,” but when I’ve worked in marketing and when I read marketing materials, I don’t like when adjectives like “fun,” “awesome,” “super-neato” are used. When I see words like that used, I huff and think, “Really? Fun grapes? I’ll be the judge of that. I’LL tell you if they’re fun.”

So for now, I want to stick with my alliteration and lie that these facts come quickly/are fast to read.

1. I’m too lazy to properly do my hair, so I almost always wear a topknot. I rarely even look at my hair when it’s down, so for all I know, it could be all the way down to my rump.

The only problem when I do my topknot right is that I shut it in the car door a few times a month. It was kind of scary the first time. I felt like everyone who walked by noticed, because I struggled to find the door handle to set myself free. Now, it’s just like, “Really, Megs? Again?” And I sigh while my hands reach for the handle. By now, it’s easy to locate the handle and free myself. Continue reading “Fast Facts Friday”

I Need Answers

When I was in community college, my history professor would teach as if he were telling a story, which is really the best way to teach history if you ask me. Instead of droning on in a monotonous voice and saying, “Fact: The. carving. of. Mt. Rushmore. was. complete. in. October. of. niiineteeeen-foooorrrrtyyyyyy. onnnnnne.” He’d chirpily say something like, “… and so the carving of Mt. Rushmore was complete in October of 1941, and it was the best thing since sliced bread!”

He said, “The best thing since sliced bread!” all the time, contradicting himself. But it has taken me 16 years to wonder when pre-sliced bread became a thing. I just assumed no one really knew, but leave it to Google to prove me wrong. I’m proud to say that a fellow Iowan invented the first sliced-bread machine. It became an actual thing in 1928. Isn’t it weird that sliced-bread machines aren’t even 100 years old? Continue reading “I Need Answers”

More Sads That Aren’t Sad

I know, I know. You come here looking for uplifting stories. Even my sad anecdote about the driver’s side of my car exploding had a happy ending when I discovered that I’m ready for an elegant evening, gardening, or rollerblading competition at a moment’s notice because of the things I keep in my trunk.

(Happy Note: My car isn’t beyond repair. My friends at State Farm are paying for all of the ridiculous amount of damage. What a relief that is!)

She lost a lot of guts, too, poor baby.

But I noticed that you Reader-Friends, or MeghaFans, as I’ve come to call you after this month of blogging (Happy birthday, blog!) enjoyed my Sad when I wrote Things That Make Me Sad (But Shouldn’t). There are plenty more items to add to that list, so I decided to share more woes.

Here we go. Continue reading “More Sads That Aren’t Sad”

How Can I Adult if I Look 12?

I get it.

Age is just a number.

With age comes wisdom (if you know me, you can take time to laugh before moving on).

Early thirties isn’t that old, in the scheme of things.

blah bleg bluuuuh

Really, I’m just old enough to finally get that I don’t know anything and I’m not supposed to.

I don’t like to say my age but for the sake of this post I’ll dish out that Continue reading “How Can I Adult if I Look 12?”

Jumping on the 90s Nostalgia Wagon

For some reason, the 90s have been on people’s minds the last few years. First, I noticed websites like Buzzfeed were making lots of 90s-related posts. Then fashion trends that I wish would have stayed in the 90s started to make a comeback.

If I may make a PSA, I’d like to warn that the Mom Jean trend can only lead to fashions like this:

I’m certain pleats are next and it won’t be pretty. You heard it here first.

I will admit that I’m excited about some 90s-inspired fashions that are weaseling their way back (I’m looking at you, Keds shoes!). Anyway, the last hint that the 90s party is here to stay was when old shows created unexpected but welcome sequels like Girl Meets World and Fuller House.

I don’t know where this nostalgia has come from, but I’m on board. I’ve noticed some things that always go unnoticed in the, “Reasons why the 90s were SO great” lists that we really need to address. I could actually go on for days, so I’ve created five categories for now. Continue reading “Jumping on the 90s Nostalgia Wagon”